Struggling

I don't know if this blurp needs to be called anything other than STRUGGLING. I felt like I was doing pretty good with processing this stinking divorce process but found myself telling others that I wouldn't go back to 'him' unless we both did some counceling. Weeks of trying to sell this to others, but mainly myself, I'm not sold. I think I was hoping that if I beleived all of that, that I might be able to build a wall to difuse the hurt I'm feeling. I might not cry daily or maybe even during a week, but that man is ALWAYS only mind. I would do anyting to be togetherin a hearbeat because I STILL love him deeply. No, I won't allow certain words, and actions toward me, but how does one just give up 25 years of marriage and 30 of being together? This divorce is crawling to an end and during the past month I have been STRUGGLING.. OFten tearless, but many texts were sent asking my soon to be 'ex-husband' if this is really what he wants and needs.. IF I receive a response, its just saying he doens't know what to say, but that usually pushing for a response. I'm not okay.. A view from the outside might look like I'm doing okay, and there are big parts of me that are. BUT there's also a big part of me who just isn't. 'The loniness is killing me' (singing it with me), but it is. My kids are involved in their lives, or just a teen who is in their room when they aren't at school. There's no one who asks me how my day was. No one to just hold me when I need a bit of compforting, no one to spend a quiet Sunday afternoon with. THIS isn't what I saw my relationship would look like when I met my highschool sweetheart and dreamed of forever with. This marriage wasn't perfect. We are very different and but it's not like that wasn't around since we met at 15/16 years old. I know I wasn't happy for years. I'm sure he wasn't either. I think that my stuggling is connected to the divorce I don't want, and seeing him multiple times a week for soccer. WE sit next to each other still! I go back to quickly connecting to what feels natural between us, but I think I am the only one who connects that. I want to reach out and hold his hand, rub his back, kiss him... I'll just say that, that isn't the top of his love language when things were good and its been gone for the past 3 years as he pulled away from me. BUT what is sad and hard for me is that, for him wanting communication between us, emotions aren't communcication for him. PLus he won't commincate with me. None of this can I really comprehend the why and make sense and I'm left reachign out asking him to be with me.. HOW STUPID.. plus it keeps bringing me pain. On top of just dealing with a broke relationship.. I've been STRUGGLING with my job and a friend's business that I helped build. This friend's business that she and I bounced ideas off of each other and birthed this amazing program together. It was her dream and I helped her take it from a dream to this blooming business because of her skills and beautiful love for music and kids. She is alwasy is more than sweet about giving me kuddos and love for my help but I am realizing as I wrote above stuff that I am looking for things that need me. The role I did last year is different than this year, but I also had to deal through feeling pushed out and not wanted. I know when I look at it, I'm more sensative to feeling rejected and abandoned. I would go to the moon and back to help her and though I don't need the praise, but when others come into the group and don't know I'm a part of the inner circle, then those people start taking over pieces of my new role... it makes me feel not important. I realize this is a me issue. I'm no less important to my sweet friend and I need to be very careful to not ruin what we have. Work is another struggle. IT was a happy place for me. Was becasue I have bunted heads with a co-worker who was extending her thoughts and actions outside her space and I finally stood up (was kinds but still stood up). Because she has been emotionally unstable in the past.. I keep waiting for one shoe to alwasy drop. I really enjoy her personally but working with her OCD/perfectionist butt.. is not fun as my ways are just 'wrong' Seeing the one co-worker become more important and things being handed to her that it was decided by my BFF/co-worker of mine that I wasn't trust worthy to do.. makes me just not want to work hard. My methods are different but it still doesn't make me unable to do it. IT was the decision of my BFF to not give me things when my boss, who is above both of us wanted it to go to me as well. I am trying to move beyond STRUGGLING and I do see the other sid but 3 things are big pieces of my life and I am struggling.