Forty-ish, Fat, Fabulous and on a new Footpath

I don't know if this blurp needs to be called anything other than STRUGGLING. I felt like I was doing pretty good with processing this stinking divorce process but found myself telling others that I wouldn't go back to 'him' unless we both did some counceling. Weeks of trying to sell this to others, but mainly myself, I'm not sold. I think I was hoping that if I beleived all of that, that I might be able to build a wall to difuse the hurt I'm feeling. I might not cry daily or maybe even during a week, but that man is ALWAYS only mind. I would do anyting to be togetherin a hearbeat because I STILL love him deeply. No, I won't allow certain words, and actions toward me, but how does one just give up 25 years of marriage and 30 of being together? This divorce is crawling to an end and during the past month I have been STRUGGLING.. OFten tearless, but many texts were sent asking my soon to be 'ex-husband' if this is really what he wants and needs....

John 11:35 was projected onto the screen a week few weeks ago at Easter service. A few thoughts popped into my mind were: John 11:35 is the shortest verse in the Bible. It also is a full sentence with a subject and verb. My next thoughts were social media posts I’ve read about Jesus knowing Lazarus would rise from the grave, yet He wept. I would like to tell you my thoughts stayed random and lighter weight but then our Pastor spoke reminding us that our God is an emotional God, a God about relationships. He cries with us in our sorrow. I found myself about sobbing in my seat. To hear that My God wept when I cried uncontrollably and felt my pain when I hurt so severely these past 3 years, about broke me. It’s taken me some time to process and realize though logically I realize God never left me as my marriage fell apart and I was struggling to make sense of any of it. I didn’t connect that emotionally my Savior was grieving too. Even though He knew this all was going to happe...